1. |
Freshman Halloween
03:40
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I'm too old for costumes this year
Just gonna stay back and watch the door
Waiting for my phone to ring
Ignore the disappointments in store
I'm too old to have friends too
I'm totally too smart to even talk
It's better off this way forever
Seriously I promise it's enough
Ghost costumes, I'll watch cartoons
That make me feel like I am loved
No ringtones, I sat alone
Just praying that someone will show up
My teeth always rot on Halloween
Cavities back from 2015
The sting is a reminder
Of my romance with being lonely
it's so scary
I'm getting too old for being happy
I think it's time to be depressed
You said I'm younger than I seem
So I'll replace my koolaid with cigarettes
I'm too young to be so tired
My joints and bones agree
They creak and pop, the skins pulled taught
What the fuck, I'm only 17
Ghost costumes, I'll watch cartoons
Goddamn I love Halloween
No ringtones, I sat alone
I never saw this night as scary
My teeth always rot on Halloween
Cavities back from 2015
The sting is a reminder
Of my romance with being lonely
it's so scary
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2. |
Homeschooled
04:04
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A styrofoam plate, a cafeteria tray
You got a lot on your mind
You say you're fine to stay, not afraid of today
You're wasting your time
Cause no one wants to think that you're actually sane
As that would just mean you're a challenge to explain
You’ve gotten so good at talking to yourself
Did you ever realize that there are people here to help
I’m not calling it childish, but thats really what it is
Licking your wounds so afraid of infection no one can touch it
Just recite your lines, convince friends you're alright
You gotta start somewhere
When you start to feel, that it's actually real
Do you get too aware?
It's so hard to keep track of yourself
Subjectivity directed to you and nobody else
You’ve gotten so good at lecturing yourself
Did you ever think it was ok for you to put that on someone else
I’m not calling it a projection, but thats really what it is
Just because you don’t want to be wrong doesn’t mean they deserve this
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3. |
I'm Good, Man
03:34
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Jason's telling me that I talk too much
It's a blatant insecurity such a turn off
But at the same time I don't speak enough
Paradoxical talk would you please just shut up
The chemicals have already flood my brain
I know it's childish but it's easier this way
When I'm feeling sick I have a habit to sedate
Moving in tongues I'll self medicate
There's things that I know I shouldn't share
So I don't but when I don't they end up here
If you were to ask me I'd tell you I'm totally fine
There's no need to worry, let's just get high
How could you love some one so skinny
Living but I look like a corpse in decay
Legs like sticks im such a fucking freak
I just wish I could support the weight
Even though I hate it I've grown attached
My meaning lies on the scales red line
I wanna look good but who doesn't want that
If that line moves up my foods coming up tonight
There's things that I know I shouldn't share
So I don't but when I don't they end up here
If you were to ask me I'd tell you I'm totally fine
Let's go out to eat for the night
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4. |
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Another drink, another laugh I think I’m counting sheep in my head
Another smoke, that pain will pass, the numbing will soon take effect
Look at me go, introversion subverted now
I’ll try to take things slow, y’know actually fuck that
Keep on drinking till my body is a bonfire
Let this smoking be a signal to my desires
My brain breaks down so often I can’t keep track
I’m gluing the pieces together hoping to keep it intact
I take my time trying to find the right things to say
It’s alright, It feels so nice when you can properly explain
Give it a name, you can see it in detail
It’s all the same, a reason to see me fail
One more set back
One more out burst
One more symptom
It’s so much worse x3
Keep on talking till my body is in decay
At least I won’t need to think in that sorry state
My brain breaks down so often I can’t keep track
I’m gluing the pieces together hoping to keep it intact
One more set back
One more out burst
One more symptom
It’s so much worse
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5. |
Party Tricks
04:10
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Get off me
Don't touch me man
It's not funny to act like that
I told you
I told you man
It's not cool to be an ass
It's too loud
I can't hear my heart beat
I'm sorry
If I'm made you feel guilty
I don't think this floor can hold us up
The walls are cracking from all this talk
I can feel the disarray in my bones
Looks like I was designed to be alone
I know that
You're not the only one
Who thinks that
I just want validation
It's ok
We're not the same but we can make this work
It's hard to
Accept to
when I deserve so much worse
I don't think this floor can hold us up
The walls are cracking from all this talk
I can feel the disarray in my bones
Looks like I was designed to be alone
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6. |
Hospital Rants
03:14
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Feet on fire and i’m uninspired
Confidence piqued at it's funeral pyre
My failures all fit like the scars on your wrist
Not expressly implicit but it still insists
I know its hard sometimes
I often feel that way too
But if you try stay by side
I’m thinking I know where ill be seeing you
just lay down again
Shoes are ripped, intoxicated wish
knowing after this I’ll have two more left
High school dance and hospital rants
Reluctantly desiring a second chance
Cut the shit, its lame
You’re supposed to be better than this
I’m afraid, I’ll stay the same
Fallback is my pessimist lips
get back up again
communicate then try relate
met with awkward stares I can see i’ve changed
try to forget my past discontents
realize that I want me the way i was back then
I don’t hate anything
Thats not the way I wanna live my life
But I can say, without pausing
My brain is a pet I wanna euthanize
just lay down again
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7. |
Rusting
04:41
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It's a symptom
Of living in a house but not a home
The walls are hollow
It's so good to be alone
I'm rusted out
I feel the iron in my bones
Don't move around
Oxidation overgrown
Lately I've
been feeling so hollow
I Don't know what to do
Except wander till tomorrow
Maybe then
I feel full again
But for now
I'll just keep walking
Cause I'm a statue
I sit atop this shelf
Don't stare blankly
I only direct it at my self
I'm bleeding out
I feel the poison in my bones
My Conscience bound
To you and you alone
Lately I've
been feeling so hollow
I Don't know what to do
Except wander till tomorrow
Maybe then
I feel full again
But for now
Please stop asking
Cause I'm trapped
My brain can't seem to tame all of my thoughts
Skins been graft
Distraction takes action to break the locks
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8. |
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Deep down in the basement of this old house
You found something you shouldn't be sorry you're
So proud, achieving for breathing the same lungs as mine
By now it's clear that this structure been fading for years
Fought through this embrace of catching fear I
Saw too much of this attitude seeping in and
I caught you stealing that feeling of pride from me
It's all grating I see, my bones, the gears and my teeth
The bones the gears the teeth
Push my hair back/Fill your needs
There's something wrong/With my teeth
I know, you really think you've done no wrong
It goes, this way as it has for so long
Every time, you open up your mouth something worse comes out
Come find out what's lying beneath this house
The bones the gears the teeth
Push my hair back/Fill your needs
There's something wrong/With my teeth
They're not like yours/They're not my own
I speak these words/They're all alone
Your wounds are old/But this blood is fresh
What matters more/What goes unsaid
They’re still my bones/they’re still my teeth
You know these words/They’re only me
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9. |
Returning
03:32
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You spent the whole night talking to me even though I couldn't listen
All my energy was focused on another time and place, a position
One I haven't felt in years, one that had come too soon
Who would've ever thought I would have felt it again when I sat next to you
Now it's so easy to fall back into it, it's no harder than sleep
No longer covering up a masochistic routine
The heart feels much heavier when it's drained in full
Now that it's not, I can't relive those feelings at all
So I followed you around more and more until it clearly was deliberate
You didn't seem to mind so I took that as encouragement
Closer and closer we grew till our feet were together
Looking over, over at you I felt myself forget her
Now it's so easy to fall back into it, it's no harder than sleep
No longer covering up a masochistic routine
The heart feels much heavier when it's drained in full
Now that it's not, I can't relive those feelings at all
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10. |
Sweat-Stained Quilt
05:08
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I had a conversation with your t-shirt
You looked scared I was afraid to see you hurt
I didn’t want to hurt you
When you are sad do you decide to get angry
Is it an instinct for the emotionally lazy
That wasn’t meant to be rude
I spend so much time trying to say things
Conversations move slowly time is wasted
I never know what to do
I’ve done a lot of shit to provide a reason
For you to hate me but you don’t and
I’m so grateful to you
Will I think things through
Your hair pushed back, my arms relax
The space it breaks, your feet in place
This string we pull, to feel more whole
Is far more weak than we are led to believe
So I drove you home even though I shouldn’t have
Half asleep still there’s sheets in my trash can
I could have crashed the car
When I returned I readjourned to that altar
Where I sat hands and knees prayed to that flicker
A holy VCR
But it’s not the same without the violence
I primal code left within me I keep silent
I have enough scars
And then finally I’ll lay my head forward
Maybe I’ll dream a better future
Nothing good so far
Nightmares and light polluted stars
Your hair pushed back, my arms relax
The space it breaks, your feet in place
This string we pull, to feel more whole
Is far more weak than we are led to believe
My skin is bare the nights I shared
With my words my unconscious stir
The dreams I had some small and sad
My nightmares build, a sweat stained quilt
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11. |
Mantra
03:51
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Could you repeat what you said
I can't read lips what is going on in your head
Resolve it with patience instead
The panic consumes my brain what's left is less than flesh
Is this enough for the night
4 empty cans of beer and sense of wasted pride
What translates all this spent up time
It equates to another day that validates my fears involving
All the things surrounding my daily thoughts
Orbital insecurities sent to rot
My sense of self is starting to dissolve
Repeat that malcontent monologue
Today was a good day at least I think
I can never tell theres no objectivity
In the bathroom part of me circles the sink
Bones collapse no need to repeat
So what's left for me to do
Then sit around and think about how I'm bruised
I'm starting like this state how bout you
Pity is its own reward I'm comfortable tying up this
Little thing I once called a dream
It's been eaten away by the storm surrounding me
I'll give it a proper send off with a drink
Bury it in wine weed and whiskey
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hi-Score Chicago, Illinois
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